NameTariq Ali

My name is Tariq Ali, I do liver in the Republic of Sudan, A major Arabic Islamic county, I define myself as an Agnostic ex Muslim, my journey has started not too long from now when i started reading about philosophy that's when i first noticed that my ideals and beliefs are merely others beliefs cause i got it all by testimony, so they were just other people’s beliefs conveyed to me, i realized that i never formed my own, i figured that everything can be a lie, I found out that my beliefs aren't contingent which leaded me to becoming nearly close minded, that’s like two years ago i started breaking away from this jail i started leaning towards nihilism but it all started to fade away with time, I’m not gonna lie, i might have once believed in atheism, but right now you might say that I believe in God existence, I merely do, but I don’t believe in none of these religions (Islam mainly, Christianity, Judaism) cause when i started my journey of criticizing I found a lot of bullshit and I’m not even surprised , I knew that I’d find something, and you know how Islamic people or even Christians or Judaists or any theists always try to stop people from thinking questioning or doubting, I just felt very controlled and brain dead and that given me more push to question even more, then things developed to me actually believing that this all the religions, some of them are myths and some of them are made out of myths for political agendas cause I’ve read a lot about the Islamic state or the Christian states all of them the Roman Empire the crusaders , all of the Islamic states like Ummayid Abbasid or the Ottimans and I really found a lot of nonsense a lot of political agendas that developed my doubts even more, to seek the truth, then it all developed of me doubting the integrity of Quran as you know they’ll call you a Kafir for that, which obviously motivated me even more to do that, cause they say it’s the only miracle that “we can see right now” if it’s a miracle why I’m not impressed by it? I didn’t see some extraordinary stuff right there and I started to read more and more, feeding my intellectual, collecting more information about the history of it and how it was collected and I found out things that made me doubt it way more like splitting of muslim leaders over the true Quran and how it was collected like 70 years after the prophet, and the change of many of verses and how some say that there’s some deleted verses and it’s all just a mess, found a lot of shady things that Muslims religious men try to defend with everything they got and how they’re being super biased about it they just decided the side and defending it with everything even the "Tafseer" (Interpretation) “some verses got more than 50-60 Tafseers and they’re all beautiful good Tafseers” cause the religious men will always do anything to make it look righteous and that’s seemed very shady, My journey was too long, It's taking me everything to survive with my ideologies in this Major Islamic country, This is ruining my social life, I'm losing friends everyday, I'm living with the fear of being hurt or even assassinated because of it, I still didn't tell my family, cause you definitely know the consequences of this decision, I'm living in excessive fear.
I just felt like telling a part of my story for some people who can relate,
Thank you so much,
Tariq Ali.