NameAbi (C.A.R.)

I am a 16 year old Pakistani Ex Muslim and I left Islam during the month of Ramadan this year (2021), when I tried to live in accordance with Allah's commands to the best of my ability. I had quit platforms like Discord and Twitter - basically everything that Islam might not approve of, for a month to start with just to begin living a more pious life. During these days, I just read the Quran, Prayed 5-6 times a day, fasted, listened to lectures about Islam on YouTube, with a few YouTube videos from creators I liked sprinkled between my day and kept a journal which now serves as a time machine for me.

I had always felt that I was defective in some way for not possessing the same passion for Islam that others did and wanted to become more in tune with the real purpose of life. I always silenced my doubts and made up some rationalization everytime I discovered something new about Islam or Muhammad that conflicted with my world view, but when I randomly discovered Hassan Radwan's channel when it was recommended to me on my YouTube feed, I grew even closer to leaving Islam and had a mini mental breakdown where I would cry at the corner of my room. At one point, I remember just thinking about death and religion while I walked around my neighborhood with a headache as the image of a once formidable fortress being crumbled apart kept showing up in my head.

While my story is much more tame than others and I am in relative safety, quite a few of the aspects of Islam are just really fucking awful and I definitely think that these darker realities of Islam should be brought into more people's attention, lest they become more radicalized and/or attached to the ideology - which (in my opinion) can only turn out badly both for the person being radicalized and the people around them.

I do have a quite loving set of parents that I came out to but even they defend these terrible rulings sanctioned by Islam. Though, as they are caught up in some major cognitive dissonance they choose to value me over their religion without knowing they do (because I am still alive right now). Despite being disappointed and saddened by my beliefs on a handful of matters (or more importantly my lack of faith in Islam), my parents have stopped bringing the topic up as frequently as they once did.

Of course, they still pray that I might be guided towards the Truth of Islam and realize the error in my ways, because they simply don't want me to burn in hell for all of eternity. Knowing the fact that I cause my parents pain simply by just doing (what I believe to be) the right thing, brings me pain. Then, there's also the fact that I simply cannot live the way I want here in Pakistan, nor be open about many of my opinions on Islam without fearing the notorious death penalty.

I am mainly signing up on here to be more up-to-date with the injustices that Islam breeds and also because I just honestly just want to learn more about how this terrible ideology affects other people, so that I might too become the light that pulls someone else out of this polarizing and tribal belief system one day (when I can actually speak openly about this religion openly). Which is why I also to get better at programming and dip out of this shit-hole and live the life I want.

And that is why I admire the Ex-Muslim movement and am joining this community.